Part 90: James / Boards
James, as usual, had a backup plan.
Actually, he had three or four backup plans, but the deeper cuts were triggered only by very specific and implausible circumstances (what if Hannah started their next conversation by saying exactly what he was going to say; what if she made a new screenname based on an inside joke they had together [Catafornia was still unclaimed]) so, when he leveled with himself, he only had one: to be employed if A) he chickened out (unlikely; he was brave and independent) or B) the Hannah he was talking to wasn’t her in her truest, purest form, adulterated by the presence of others or her own unfortunate tendency to care about things she didn’t really care about.
So when she asked him later what he needed to tell her, the plan was to fake her out by telling her something that he merely wanted to tell her. He had discovered the origins of Growing Horizons, that day in the library (where he spent most of Lunch, after wolfing down his flavorless slice of pizza, unable to bear watching the Hannah Show and unsure if he and Sean could sit together or not.) It was from a poem, by some poet he’d never heard of but who had apparently lived in their town for a few of his less-productive years. This was all explained on a poster hanging in an obscure corner of the library, as if the person who put it there wanted to ensure that only those who really cared enough to explore the whole school found it, and still smugly claim it wasn’t hidden.
Sometime between 2:50 and 3:15, when Hannah got home, James had searched for the poem and copied the relevant lines into a document on the computer:
As one who’s wont to wander
Above the rising tides
To stand and gaze and ponder
The growing horizons of our lives
A horrendous excuse for poetry. Something they could make fun of together, maybe even the source of a new inside joke.
The backup plan was to stop there, let her think that he was being ironic, even self-deprecating, with his “need to tell you” shit earlier.
The real plan, the original plan, based on how she responded - her mood determined from every word, punctuation mark, capital letter - was to tell her that he loved her.
But he did still have to wait. He could go online after dinner, maybe - or, if Susan made for the computer, when she migrated to the TV around 8. Primetime.
“I thought you didn’t use the computer anymore,” Susan might comment.
“Just once in a while,” he would respond casually. Everything in moderation; refusing to ever use it would mean he was still being controlled by it; you’ve got to compromise with society, can’t be like stick-in-the-mud Atticus Finch with his inflexible rules and principles. The conclusion he would have reached eventually, anyway, even if he had posted his manifesto and deleted his account. He was just saving himself some time.
Plus, Susan didn’t know he had been on earlier that afternoon, which should be enough to save him from the burden of a new computer, which now - in a world where Hannah was back for good and would soon Know - seemed like the worst fate. It would mean their relationship would never graduate, never progress. But if he was only able to use the computer once in a while, then if she wanted to talk to him, she would have to start talking to him in (he pictured the words with her newest flourish) ~*Real Life*~.
Victoria would probably start using ~* soon, he realized, and then it would become a Thing that everyone did. But he wouldn’t. He’d let it be hers, and when they all started doing it, she could safely complain to him about it, and he would be there to tell her he liked it when she did it but not when all these people (who didn’t even use it right) did it.
There was so much to look forward to.
*
Upon further review, the moderators have determined that a post made by OneMiserableBeauty violates the board’s free speech policy, and this user has been subsequently issued a temporary ban. We would also like to remind all users that it is not a legitimate exercise of one’s speech rights to advocate the ban of other users. The Block function exists for this purpose and ought to be sufficient. Bans are issued by the team of moderators only after careful consideration of a user’s actions, past and present. Thanx and just remember: BLOCKS, NOT BANS! - The Mods
The UNBAN D______ movement began to splinter: one faction wanted to rebrand as simply UNBAN (which was sleeker, anyway, and avoided all the spelling issues) and adopt OneMiserableBeauty as a secondary martyr, further proof that the mods were becoming draconian, to fight for the cause of Free Speech, period; the other (PURE D) saw a paradox here, and claimed that the banning of OMB was what they had really been fighting for this whole time: tit for tat, retribution theory of justice, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, etc.
hELLrAISER tried valiantly to play George Washington and stay above the fray, but after a few attempts at deflection, it became clear that her real choice was between choosing a side and losing control of her movement altogether. And so:
hELLrAISER
first they came for the TX
and i did not speak up bc i was not TX
then they came for OMB……...
who’s going to be next?
could it be you?
JOIN ME MY FRIENDS
FIGHT FOR FREEDOM
JOIN UNBAN