Part 32: Robert
“But I don’t want to go to church anymore,” Robert pleaded. “It’s not like I’m saying I don’t want to so you’ll convince me that I should, or like I’m having some momentary struggle with doubt and want to be folded back in or whatever, prodigal son type of shit - I actually don’t want to go anymore. I never wanted to go, really.”
“Listen, my child,” Jacob began.
“I’m not your child.”
“It’s a figure of speech.”
“Yeah, well, so is everything. But that’s a stupid one. I’m sixteen, for Christ’s sake.”
“Please do not use the lord’s name in vain.” Jacob rubbed his temples. Here it was: the final battle between the good and evil impulses in his own nature, his Abraham moment. He had a chance to be rid of the Melrose kid (not a child anymore, that was true, but kid still worked) for good now. If he left before his confirmation, which was in a week, he’d never come back. And no one would ever need know that Jacob had played a part in it.
Except for He who sees all, the voice of Christina, by this point the official assistant leader and unofficial actual leader of Youth Group, reminded him.
He was under an obligation to keep Robert in the church, no matter how painful it might be for himself. This was his sacrifice. Surely no one had suffered more.
“Why the hell not?” Robert said. “I’m trying to leave this place. No, no, I am going to leave. It’d just be kind of nice to hear you admit you want me gone, too.”
“What has caused you to turn away from the Lord?”
“Nothing turned me away, because I was never facing him in the first place. It’s like, you can’t leave a place you’ve never been to. You can’t drop something you were never holding. You can’t ---”
“The words of the Lord are written on the hearts of all mankind,” Jacob stated calmly.
“That would make the Bible a bit redundant, then, no? But whatever. I’m leaving. You know, you might not believe me, but I actually did try. This whole past year, I tried. I figured there had to be something to it if so many people swear by it, something more than just the bullshit sayings and stories you pull out. But there’s not. You make us think there must be something more, something we’re missing, but there isn’t. All smoke, no fire. All smell, no taste. So, Jacob, you can keep on playing pretend if you want, but I want - no, I need to be free.”
“True freedom is submission to God’s will.”
“Alright, one more thing, you got me.” When Robert played baseball, he was a terrible batter; he swung at every pitch. “Of all the stupid things you say without thinking about them, that’s got to be the worst. You think just because it makes no sense we should listen to it. Like it’s got to have some hidden nugget of wisdom in there, because on the surface it sounds absurd. But the truth is, our first impression is right. That’s not what the word freedom means. That’s the exact opposite of what it means. Just because it’s counter-intuitive doesn’t mean it’s true. But I’m leaving.”
Jacob watched the young man walk out of the church basement for the last time, telling himself that what he felt was not relief but disappointment, that he had tried everything, that you couldn’t convert the unwilling, and that Christina at least would understand what he felt about the event, without him having to say it.