Part 3: James
The CrossMyHeart album ended after thirty-three minutes. They were a band that kept their songs short, fast, and upbeat - but every song had lyrics that expressed something James had felt. Today, he found it in the last song of the album, “Stealing Bases.” Three minutes and fifty-three seconds long, the longest song on the album, a perfect closer. And the lyrics: “I just don’t think I could do this without you / I just don’t think I could be here without you.”
James decided to put those lyrics in his profile. It had been a couple of days since he had updated it, anyway, and the previous lyric (“I fear that it’s the end of the line for us”) no longer seemed applicable. It wasn’t the end of the line for him and Hannah. He had put that in there a couple of days ago - Sunday, was it? yes, Sunday - so that she would realize that he was annoyed that she had blown him off and not come online until late. But on Monday, she had told him all about how her mom had gotten drunk Sunday afternoon and started yelling at her for no reason and so she didn’t feel safe at home and so had gone to Victoria’s. (Someday she would come to James’s instead. Though Victoria did admittedly live closer. But eventually they would drift apart; eventually Hannah would realize that he was the one who was really always there for her when she needed him.)
And then Tuesday they had had a really good, fun conversation and it was all back to normal. But he had completely forgotten to change his profile. The old lyric (from a band called The Stoplights, who he and Hannah both liked but didn’t love) was sitting in there, the remnants of an annoyance that seemed from a different life.
Shit, James thought. She probably thinks I’m still mad at her. He added the new lyric, played around with the font and style a bit - underlining certain words, bolding others - until it looked perfect, until it lined up exactly the way he wanted it to. But he was going to have to do this without her. And it wasn’t even four o’clock yet. What could he do? How would he kill all this time?
He pulled up the conversation they’d had on Tuesday night, which he had saved, and began to read through it:
xx themachine: you know what i find weird
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: what?
xx themachine: so like
xx themachine: no matter how cool someone is
xx themachine: or thinks they are
xx themachine: they still have to sleep and eat and stuff
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: yeah. and shit
xx themachine: lmao yeah
xx themachine: but like it’s like
xx themachine: we’re all human? i guess
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: no, i know what you mean
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: i think about that all the time
xx themachine: really?
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: yeah. one of the most important things i’ve learned in my life is that the people who act all high and mighty are the most full of shit.
xx themachine: you mean literally?
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: lmao yes but the other way too
xx themachine: haha i know, i was jk
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: like all the religious nutjobs who go around talking about god all the time and then they’re always the same ones who get caught fucking little kids
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: but then say that two gay guys who love each other can’t get married
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: they’re fucking hypocrites
xx themachine: no, your totally right
xx themachine: thats the perfect word for it
xx themachine: you’re*
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: and like
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: the bible says an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: but then they all act like god wants them to start all these wars and stuff
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: like i’m sorry dude but wasn’t jesus all about PEACE
xx themachine: i like that quote
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: what quote
xx themachine: an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: oh yeah, the bible actually has some good stuff in it
xx themachine you’ve read the bible???
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: a lot of it, yeah. you should read it
xx themachine: ok i will
xx themachine: and then we can talk about it
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: yeah! start like a book club
xx the machine: bible study lmao
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: lmao yeah we’re gonna study the bible
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: so we can argue with christians
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: and be like
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: um actually i do know what i’m talking about good sir, i’ve read the whole entire fucking bible. have you?
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: and they’ll be all like
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: ummmmmmmm
xx themachine: ok so first bible study meeting next week?
xx themachine: what part should i read first?
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: hmmmmmm
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: genesis is pretty good
xx themachine: ok i’ll read genesis. is that the one with like adam and eve and stuff?
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX yeah!!!!!!
xx themachine: and the apple
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: eve was totally right
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: to eat the apple
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: apples are delicious
xx themachine: isn’t the apple like a symbol or something?
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX yeah maybe but like
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: it’s also just an apple
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX if god’s gonna get all pissed about a fuckin apple
xx themachine: lmao god’s a crybaby
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: gods a little bitch
xx themachine: we’re totally going to hell
XXxSuicidesxGracexXX: good that’s where all the fun people are anyway
James remembered now: how he had typed and deleted three different times in this conversation something about “if me and you were in the garden of eden, we totally would have eaten the apple.” But he couldn’t get it to sound right, and he couldn’t remember if it was supposed to be “me and you” or “you and I” (and he knew Hannah would correct him, and that would mean she wasn’t talking to him about this little fantasy, him as Adam and her as Eve, naked except for a couple of fig leaves) and then the conversation had moved on. That was the beautiful thing about talking to Hannah. The conversation always just kept on moving and flowing.
Every night after he talked to her, his mind was on fire with things he wanted to say but didn’t get the chance to. But that also meant he always had something to say to her next time.
Next time she came online (which wouldn’t be until after the concert tonight, and it was still only four-ten, and then there was a chance that she might just go to bed or hang out with Victoria so he might have to wait until tomorrow - an eternity away) he would say the thing about being Adam and Eve. Or maybe that would make a better song lyric? How they would always eat the apple and run away from the garden because . . . I’d rather be in hell with you than heaven all alone. He could hear it.
Was he really going to read Genesis? Was their “bible study” going to actually be a thing, or was it just a one-time joke? It all depended on Hannah and if she remembered.
He went back into his profile and underneath the CrossMyHeart lyric he added:
aneyeforaneye (makes.the.whole.world.blind)
Perfect. No one else even know that was about Hannah, which was important because everyone was convinced that he liked her, and would jump on any shred of evidence they could find. But when she saw it, she would remember their conversation about the Bible and how that was something they had in common - neither of them believed in God, but they both found the Bible interesting - “it’s a book full of really good stories,” James heard himself say, some time in the future - and so they were above the Christian kids who actually believed in it, but also above the other atheists who could be just as closed-minded.
Another image arose in James’s mind: him and Hannah, not in fig leaves this time, but fully clothed, standing on a mountain top, wind blowing all around them, looking down at their stupid little town and all its ignorant people. They called it the garden of Eden, but the two of them - you and i, we ate the apple, we ran away and never looked back, we left it all behind and now we’re free.